I have been missing from my blog. October was the beginning, or maybe the culmination, you know, I don’t even know what October was. It was horrific. It was shattering. And November was. And December was.

I am not going to go into what happened in October. It isn’t mine to tell. But in November, to our great joy, C and I found out that I was pregnant. We were so happy, but we soon found out that my HCG levels were not rising the way they should and the ultrasound showed the baby wasn’t growing well. On December 7th we got the terrible news that there was no heartbeat and that the baby wasn’t developing. I was already bleeding by this point so I hadn’t expected good news, especially after the weeks of bad HCG levels and ultrasounds. On December 17th after several weeks of bleeding, I still hadn’t miscarried on my own, so I had a D&C. I felt shattered and scared. Finally I was pregnant, but I only got to be happy for a week. I spent the next few weeks praying for my baby to survive, crying in the shower, wishing for a miracle, feeling my heart drop with every phone call, holding back tears at every ultrasound. I spent every single day googling, latching on to every single hopeful forum post, and still having to accept the truth that hope was almost completely gone. And I’m crying right now writing this.

The first miscarriage was a such a surprise. I was barely pregnant. I had a positive test and a late period. I never went to the doctor so it was never confirmed. I cried. I just knew I was pregnant, I had all the signs, I had the positive test. But then I had the “late period”.

I got pregnant with our second son the month after that.

The second miscarriage was after we had been trying and told that it could be difficult. I was worried about trying. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a 3rd, but C did and we had talked about more and I couldn’t bring myself to refuse. I felt so guilty when I miscarried that baby at 6 weeks. Once I found out, I was excited and scared. I was worried if I could handle three kids, but I was so excited to meet our new baby. I’ll never forget, I had a strange feeling while I was playing a game with our oldest. I went to the bathroom and I knew. A week later, my blood HCG levels confirmed my fears.

And now this 3rd one, not quite 2 years after my last miscarriage. After trying and trying.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts. My heart hurts.