I am trying to be more open, transparent on my blog. This is not an easy task for me, but I do think it is important. Unfortunately this is not one of those completely transparent times. My family is going through an immensely difficult time, not just me, C and the boys, but my most of my extended family. I had to take a break from blogging to be there for my family and to take some time for myself with no more expectations or responsibilities then the ones I already had.

So how am I doing right now? Slightly better emotionally although not super great. None too great physically. I think an unwell spell is hitting. I’m never sure when they are going to hit and I don’t know why it happens, but fatigue, nausea, stomach cramps, tingly fingers and toes, bloated stomach, pelvic pain, body aches and mild headaches will randomly plague me. I’m sure stress is a trigger and it does seem to happen more commonly at a specific stage in my cycle, so perhaps that is a trigger too, although it can’t be the only thing as that isn’t the only time it happens. I think diet is a big part of it and I’m not particularly consistent with eating healthy. I know that when I eat less white carbs, less dairy and healthier fats I feel much better. Over a year ago now I was on antibiotics and meats and dairy made me incredibly sick. For the most part I ate healthy fats, fruits and vegetables and I felt so much better. While I did have to deal with some cravings, overall, I did okay and I wish I hadn’t gone back to a typical American diet.

Today is a gorgeous, clear, sunny fall day, there is a crisp breeze and I am outside with the boys while they play before lunch. I am resting in the sun, wishing my energy would return, worried that I’ll feel like this forever. I need to be able to keep up with my boys, they are so young and I need to have the energy to be the best mom I can be.

But right now, it is 12:30 and I am daydreaming about a nap. I am spastic person naturally, I like to go on walks, do spontaneous activities and I like “adventures” downtown, I also like quiet books, coffee, snuggled on the sofa, sitting on the porch with a cup of tea. But, lately all I have felt like doing is sleeping. Wishing I could just lay in bed with a cup of peppermint tea and a heating pad, uninterrupted. That is not living. That is existing. I don’t want to just “exist” anymore. I’m tired of unexplained chronic pain and illness. Honestly its exhausting feeling so badly and have exam after exam, test after test, just to have doctors tell you that something is wrong, but they have no clue what. Or that they know what is wrong, but have no idea what is causing it. Doctor bills pile up and eventually you have to stop going because you have no more money and they have no more answers, just more referrals to even more expensive doctors. It begins to be overwhelming and hopeless. I do plan on having more tests done, but after buying a house, we’re going to have to wait a bit to save up the money. In the mein time, I suppose I’ll just have to focus more on self care. Healthier eating and attempting light exercise when I can, mostly walks and yoga. Hopefully I’ll remember to document my efforts on instagram. I’m not always the best at it, but you can check in. My username is @meohmiah

Excuse the whiny, low energy, downer post today. I am feeling pretty low. I do have an interview with a homeschool mom coming up next, so be looking for that!